Yesterday at court it was determined that we'd come back mid December, and that it will be an important turning point in the case. I told Micah at dinner tonight that I think the next 3 1/2 months will be harder than the last 4 months. Before, I didn't know details of why he was in care, and didn't know what to expect. Now I know that if one change is made, he could be returning home. I KNOW and UNDERSTAND that the goal of foster care is for children to return to their parent(s). It makes sense, and it could be beautiful. But unfortunately this is personal. I love this child with everything that I have, I treasure every moment, every smile. I can't imagine how sad I will be if he leaves. I can't imagine how much I will cry. I cried my eyes out for hours when our last foster kids left, and they were with us a little less than a month. Little D will be with us for at least seven months.
I love him with the deep love of a mother, yet I am not his mother.
It is an odd predicament that you can't understand unless you've done it. I really can't put words together to explain.
I need to keep remembering that right now we are doing what God wants us to do. No matter how this ends, we are giving him what he needs developmentally, emotionally, physically. He is growing into a wonderful kid, and even if someday he doesn't even remember me (I cry at the thought but it could very well be true), right now I am giving him what he needs. And I am praying for him now, and for his future. I imagine I always will.
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