So I was just looking through the past few blog posts and realized it does not show the heartache that has been in my life. There's been a lot, really, but some is too private to share or it would make others look bad, so this is not the place to vent. I do that in my prayer journals. Of course, if I keep up with my past, those journals could be published someday. Scary!
But I do want to be real with you, as much as I can. I have been scared, and angry, and WORRIED, and jealous, and stressed to the point that my body ached; for awhile it hurt to even move my neck. That is crazy. Right, it's crazy?! This summer has been good for me. It's given me time to reflect, and to think about changes I need to make.
Across settings of distress, I have a theme. I put way too much emotional energy into worrying about things I cannot control. It could be others' actions, or deadlines, or health, or perceptions, or timing, whatever. I've decided to take two phrases to heart, and I think I'll type them up to go above my desk.
* If I can't control it, it just doesn't matter.
Not that I don't care, but it doesn't matter because I can't do anything to change it. So don't worry. I got this from a talk Ron Schweinberg gave to our district a few months ago, and it has stuck.
* Is it worth it?
Is the time/effort/emotional energy I would put into something worth the benefits it would reap? If yes, then think about doing it. If not, just let it go!
It can be really hard for me to say no, especially at my job. This next school year I'm going to practice that word more. Many times it's not even in response to a request from a person. I set such high expectations for myself that I just keep working and working in my perfectionistic way, until my life is my job, and I am so exhausted when I'm home that I can't function. That is going to change!
There are a few loose pieces of paper that are in my Bible, and have been there for years. When something really hits me hard, I write it on one of those papers. I went through them this morning and was reminded of some things worth remembering! When my dad was a pastor he used to call these "gold nuggets."
The more comfort we have, the less faith we have. (from missionaries at an orphanage in Romania)
God says, "You let me worry about ______. You just be faithful." (pastor Dave)
If I'm living in a fog, I haven't gone as far as God wanted me to go...sometimes because I haven't repented. (pastor Dave)
Trade these ashes in for beauty - this is a song, but I wrote down to "trade in my complaining words for words of life and beauty."
Worship is supposed to be a sacrifice. David said, "I will not give my God something that costs me nothing." (This one made it into my journal recently, just from memory. I asked God why I like to do foster care and teach special education children, when both take so much out of me emotionally. I'm thinking it's because for me, both are a form of worshipping God, so they both cost me much emotionally.)
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again. Psalm 71:20
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31
My times are in your hands. Psalm 31:15
I hope at least one of those "nuggets" encouraged you. Sometimes during trials I feel like I am clinging to Jesus, not loving him really, but just clinging because I need him to get through a rough time. I want to love him all the time, not just when I feel that I need him the most.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Barefoot before breakfast
Micah likes to make a big breakfast on Saturday mornings. Today D and I decided to go outside and play with his new bike while daddy was cooking. I got it at a yard sale yesterday for $5 - so excited because I've been looking for one that was small enough for him! And I'm ch...frugal.
This is how the pros do it.
Seriously, isn't this a cool old bike?
Mommy, I really want to water the flowers right now!
I want to turn the hose on so bad that I'm willing to
sit in mulch to figure out how to do it!
Snuggling in for kisses from "Bewa."
I won't lie and say that life is always this peachy. We have hitting, hair-pulling, refusing...he is definitely an active toddler. But I sure love him. And I can't wait until I can show you pictures of his precious face. There are some real cuties of him smiling, leaning on Bella today.
Coming soon...a post about what I do when he is asleep! It has to do with our basement remodel. Micah is banging down there as I type.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
My little prince
I was on the hunt for a plain little blow-up pool, and couldn't find one. They were either plastic, or too big, or too girly. But then today, I found this!
Last summer I was extremely aware of how attached I was getting to this little guy, and scared of the very real possibility that he would be leaving. I thought about the next court date all the time, wondering what it would bring. Lately my emotions have been calmer, I haven't been afraid that he will leave. I know he will stay. I know we will get to raise him. It's not over yet, but I just know.
But I'm not that happy. It is bittersweet. This really is a sad thing. I am so relieved and thankful that this little buzzing bundle of smiles will be my son. We will be his forever family. But I can't just be joyful because in the same second I am sad for his birth family. She is losing her son. I can imagine, to some degree, because I have worried on a very regular basis that I might lose him. But this is different. She is losing three children, to three different homes. We want to keep the kids in contact with each other, but it's not the same as living together. The family is broken, and as we've been talking about in our adoption class, the results will always be there. The kids will experience loss at different times in their life, mourn their birth family, find healing, and then maybe experience the whole cycle again later in their life. It's the reality with adoption, and it is okay. But it isn't easy.
I want to be the best mom that I can for D. I want to help him through all of the struggles he will face, but also give him independence when he needs to work through them on his own. Balance.
I am glad that I have seen his birth mom almost every week for the last year. I can tell him how much she loved him, how she regularly came to visits, how she brought him snacks, and even got gifts she specifically knew he would like. I'm glad I will be able to tell him, and show him pictures of them that I took after a couple different visits. But he will still have questions. And she'll probably think about him every day.
If you talk to me, happy about the upcoming termination trial, and I'm not excited, or smiling like you are, this is why. My heart is aching for her, and I can't find pleasure in something that will bring her pain. I know it is the right choice, and I know that God chose me and Micah to raise him. The day of his adoption will be different. It will have great cause to celebrate. But termination is no celebration in my mind.
I am praying for redemption. I don't know what form it will take, but I do know that every night before bed, D and I pray for several people, including his birth parents and siblings. We pray that his family would gain wisdom, make good choices, and ultimately be drawn to Jesus.
That's what we want.
This is how you exclaim your joy about having such a great castle pool!
This is how you roll a ball down the side of your cool castle pool.
And this...
... is how you escape the castle!
Last summer I was extremely aware of how attached I was getting to this little guy, and scared of the very real possibility that he would be leaving. I thought about the next court date all the time, wondering what it would bring. Lately my emotions have been calmer, I haven't been afraid that he will leave. I know he will stay. I know we will get to raise him. It's not over yet, but I just know.
But I'm not that happy. It is bittersweet. This really is a sad thing. I am so relieved and thankful that this little buzzing bundle of smiles will be my son. We will be his forever family. But I can't just be joyful because in the same second I am sad for his birth family. She is losing her son. I can imagine, to some degree, because I have worried on a very regular basis that I might lose him. But this is different. She is losing three children, to three different homes. We want to keep the kids in contact with each other, but it's not the same as living together. The family is broken, and as we've been talking about in our adoption class, the results will always be there. The kids will experience loss at different times in their life, mourn their birth family, find healing, and then maybe experience the whole cycle again later in their life. It's the reality with adoption, and it is okay. But it isn't easy.
I want to be the best mom that I can for D. I want to help him through all of the struggles he will face, but also give him independence when he needs to work through them on his own. Balance.
I am glad that I have seen his birth mom almost every week for the last year. I can tell him how much she loved him, how she regularly came to visits, how she brought him snacks, and even got gifts she specifically knew he would like. I'm glad I will be able to tell him, and show him pictures of them that I took after a couple different visits. But he will still have questions. And she'll probably think about him every day.
If you talk to me, happy about the upcoming termination trial, and I'm not excited, or smiling like you are, this is why. My heart is aching for her, and I can't find pleasure in something that will bring her pain. I know it is the right choice, and I know that God chose me and Micah to raise him. The day of his adoption will be different. It will have great cause to celebrate. But termination is no celebration in my mind.
I am praying for redemption. I don't know what form it will take, but I do know that every night before bed, D and I pray for several people, including his birth parents and siblings. We pray that his family would gain wisdom, make good choices, and ultimately be drawn to Jesus.
That's what we want.
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