So I was just looking through the past few blog posts and realized it does not show the heartache that has been in my life. There's been a lot, really, but some is too private to share or it would make others look bad, so this is not the place to vent. I do that in my prayer journals. Of course, if I keep up with my past, those journals could be published someday. Scary!
But I do want to be real with you, as much as I can. I have been scared, and angry, and WORRIED, and jealous, and stressed to the point that my body ached; for awhile it hurt to even move my neck. That is crazy. Right, it's crazy?! This summer has been good for me. It's given me time to reflect, and to think about changes I need to make.
Across settings of distress, I have a theme. I put way too much emotional energy into worrying about things I cannot control. It could be others' actions, or deadlines, or health, or perceptions, or timing, whatever. I've decided to take two phrases to heart, and I think I'll type them up to go above my desk.
* If I can't control it, it just doesn't matter.
Not that I don't care, but it doesn't matter because I can't do anything to change it. So don't worry. I got this from a talk Ron Schweinberg gave to our district a few months ago, and it has stuck.
* Is it worth it?
Is the time/effort/emotional energy I would put into something worth the benefits it would reap? If yes, then think about doing it. If not, just let it go!
It can be really hard for me to say no, especially at my job. This next school year I'm going to practice that word more. Many times it's not even in response to a request from a person. I set such high expectations for myself that I just keep working and working in my perfectionistic way, until my life is my job, and I am so exhausted when I'm home that I can't function. That is going to change!
There are a few loose pieces of paper that are in my Bible, and have been there for years. When something really hits me hard, I write it on one of those papers. I went through them this morning and was reminded of some things worth remembering! When my dad was a pastor he used to call these "gold nuggets."
The more comfort we have, the less faith we have. (from missionaries at an orphanage in Romania)
God says, "You let me worry about ______. You just be faithful." (pastor Dave)
If I'm living in a fog, I haven't gone as far as God wanted me to go...sometimes because I haven't repented. (pastor Dave)
Trade these ashes in for beauty - this is a song, but I wrote down to "trade in my complaining words for words of life and beauty."
Worship is supposed to be a sacrifice. David said, "I will not give my God something that costs me nothing." (This one made it into my journal recently, just from memory. I asked God why I like to do foster care and teach special education children, when both take so much out of me emotionally. I'm thinking it's because for me, both are a form of worshipping God, so they both cost me much emotionally.)
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again. Psalm 71:20
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31
My times are in your hands. Psalm 31:15
I hope at least one of those "nuggets" encouraged you. Sometimes during trials I feel like I am clinging to Jesus, not loving him really, but just clinging because I need him to get through a rough time. I want to love him all the time, not just when I feel that I need him the most.
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