What a gift

Tonight, Silas thought he was just being silly by putting a bow on his head.  But I immediately saw it as symbolic.  He is such a wonderful gift to us.

Friday was the last court date.  It was very emotional for me, I sat there and cried.  I wish his birth parents could be at a place where they could parent him.  But I am also incredibly thankful for the life they have given us.

The next time we go to court will be for his adoption.  That hasn't really set in yet.

What a journey this has been.  Even as I reflect on going to court, I see changes.  The first time we went, we weren't sure which floor we were going to, and certainly not which court room.  And we wondered which items of clothing may need to be temporarily removed to make it through security.  Oh, and I had my camera in my purse because I always kept it in there, and didn't even think of cameras being allowed. Micah literally ran back and put it in the parking garage, and then ran back to the court building, and then up the stairs so he wouldn't be late.  

Since then we have figured out that court typically runs late, and there is not usually a reason to hurry.  Every time, I have pulled into the parking garage no earlier than five minutes before court is scheduled to start (usually only 2 minutes), parked in the same general area, gone down the same stairway that I think is the fastest route, quickly thrown my purse in a tub and gotten through security like a pro, gotten in one of the elevators that only go to courtroom floors (they're faster!), and known that I am always going to sit on a bench and chat with everyone involved for probably at least 20 minutes, before they are ready for us in that same court room.

Somehow, going there has become a normal thing.  I used to get so nervous the day before, and especially the morning of, wondering what would happen, and if it would be awkward to spend that time outside the court room talking.  But gradually, through the many times I've gone (I have no idea how many!) it became a hangout time in which we laughed about the kids and told stories, both "sides" talking like we were out having lunch, not there to hear the judge's current decision on the kids we daily worry about, and pray, and hope for.  It has felt kind of like a family, or at least a social group...with the foster parents of Silas' siblings, his birth parents, and birth grandparents.  We saw each other often.  Not just at court, but when the foster moms came to pick the kids up from weekly visits.  And now I don't know.  We exchanged contact information, and I am thankful.

It seems weird, almost unnatural, that's it's over.  At the kids' last visit with their birth mother, I was walking Silas up the sidewalk to the agency.  He was holding my hand, almost running toward the door because it is a fun place for him.  It's where he sees his birth family, and runs and plays and laughs with them.  Going there every week for his entire life is what he knows.  Will he wonder why he's not going back?  To him, it is totally normal to go down that long hallway and spend two hours playing in a room, with toys we don't have at our house, and siblings that don't live at our house.  It's his normal!

We will have scheduled sibling visits two times a month until adoption. (We want to have them at our homes, so the kids can see where each other live.)  After that, it's up to us to get the kids together, with no accountability besides ourselves.  I hope we do it.  Life gets so busy, but it is so important for the kids.  I love watching them play together.  They have an obvious bond.

Well, I intended to just post that picture and write a couple sentences, but I guess my heart and soul had more to say.  I never thought that I would need healing through this, that I wouldn't want this process to end.  I mean, I do want to adopt him, I long for the freedom in adoption.  But I never really understood how I'd feel at this point.  Kind of raw.  I always knew I cared about Silas' birth parents, but now I think it is hitting me hard that no one is controlling how often we'll see each other.  Or even if we will.  That feels so odd, after months and months of rules and regulations.  I don't remember anyone training us how to handle this emotional part of the journey.

This is it.

Soon both of his birth parents will not have their rights.  One was today, the other parent's hearing is in a couple weeks.  It’s not finished yet.  But it will be.  And then we will travel the adoption road.

Other big news…

We are changing his name.

Why?  Well, honestly, we’ve never really liked it.  I’m sure his birth parents had a reason for naming him, but I don’t know it, and now we have our own reason for his new name.

We’ve battled with ourselves these past few weeks. We have prayed, thought, and searched for the right name.  It’s been hard because everyone in his life calls him “D_____,” including us.  It seems kind of weird to call him something else.  But he is young (if he were older we would not do it), and our caseworker says that many kids even a few years older than him are given new names when they are adopted through foster care, and they adjust fine.  We’ve called him his new name the past few days and he doesn’t even seem to notice a difference.  It almost seems too easy.  He just answers to either name.

Part of the struggle for me has been that I want his name to mean something.  It is very important to me.  Everyone in a person’s life calls them that name, and whether they know it or not, are therefore calling them the definition of that name.  I want my children to have positive things spoken over them.  My cousin named her adopted son "Asher" which means happy and blessed, and let me tell you that kid is always smiling!  

So do you want to know his name?  Maybe you even skimmed ahead and scrolled down to find it?  I would. :) When Micah and I were first married, long before we headed down the road to parenthood, we talked about names we liked.  Silas is the name we always liked the best.

Silas means “wooded forest” and although I really like the name, I’ve struggled with it because it doesn’t mean anything encouraging or special. Something wasn’t quite right.  I wanted more.  I kept searching online, in my Bible, and in old sermon notes for a middle name to go with it, or for a totally different first name.  Then I found Winston.  It means “joyful stone.” Joyful obviously means “full of joy” and I like the stone aspect because stones, like rocks, are strong.  Apostle Peter (my favorite apostle because he just seems so human, as he messed up like I do!) was called “the rock.”  What a beautiful concept, a picture of God’s grace.

The most exciting connection is when his first and middle name are put together, the meanings, “wooded forest, joyful stone.”  As I was thinking about trees and stones, I was reminded of the verses where even nature praises God.  In Isaiah 55:12 it says,

“For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace…and all the trees of the fields shall clap their hands.”

And in Luke 19:40, when the disciples were loudly praising Jesus and the Pharisees told Jesus to rebuke them, he replied,

“I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out.”

Here’s another verse that connects the trees of “Silas” with the joy of “Winston.”  Psalm 96:12 “Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.”

Silas Winston Stickling, we hope your whole being will long to cry out praises to Jesus!

As I was looking for these verses I ran across many symbolic verses that have to do with rocks and trees.  It’s pretty cool, really.

Oh, the many hours spent searching for the right name, and it’s finally come together.  I’m so excited!

There are some other connections/things we appreciate:

*Silas was a missionary with Paul.  There is quite a cool story in Acts 16 where Paul and Silas were in prison because they proclaimed the Truth, and through a series of miraculous events were released.  It is exciting to read, “About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.  Suddenly…” And that’s when all the action started happening that led to them ministering to a jailer and his family, and Paul and Silas later being released from prison.  How wonderful will it be for Silas to grow up and read this story with his namesake, and make his own connection that praising Jesus (in good OR rough times) leads to great things!

*Silas is a family name on Micah’s side. 

*Micah likes the reference to Silas Marner, which is a book that has a story of redemption coming through an adoptive child.  (I need to read the book now!)

*We appreciate Winston Churchill, for leading Great Britain through World War II.

*If we really want to stretch it, our little guy has always liked being outside, ever since his first summer, when he was six months old and we played outside while he sat on a blanket.  Now he runs around outside, picks up and digs in dirt and rocks, “helps” water flowers, gets down on eye level with bugs to explore what they are doing…it is definitely a place he is happy to be!  He’s just an outside kid, so in that way his name is fitting as well.

Best "no face" pic I can find from playing outside last summer.  Doesn't he look tiny?

The adoption is still a few months away, but you may now start calling him Silas!

Thank you all for your support in this journey.