What a gift

Tonight, Silas thought he was just being silly by putting a bow on his head.  But I immediately saw it as symbolic.  He is such a wonderful gift to us.

Friday was the last court date.  It was very emotional for me, I sat there and cried.  I wish his birth parents could be at a place where they could parent him.  But I am also incredibly thankful for the life they have given us.

The next time we go to court will be for his adoption.  That hasn't really set in yet.

What a journey this has been.  Even as I reflect on going to court, I see changes.  The first time we went, we weren't sure which floor we were going to, and certainly not which court room.  And we wondered which items of clothing may need to be temporarily removed to make it through security.  Oh, and I had my camera in my purse because I always kept it in there, and didn't even think of cameras being allowed. Micah literally ran back and put it in the parking garage, and then ran back to the court building, and then up the stairs so he wouldn't be late.  

Since then we have figured out that court typically runs late, and there is not usually a reason to hurry.  Every time, I have pulled into the parking garage no earlier than five minutes before court is scheduled to start (usually only 2 minutes), parked in the same general area, gone down the same stairway that I think is the fastest route, quickly thrown my purse in a tub and gotten through security like a pro, gotten in one of the elevators that only go to courtroom floors (they're faster!), and known that I am always going to sit on a bench and chat with everyone involved for probably at least 20 minutes, before they are ready for us in that same court room.

Somehow, going there has become a normal thing.  I used to get so nervous the day before, and especially the morning of, wondering what would happen, and if it would be awkward to spend that time outside the court room talking.  But gradually, through the many times I've gone (I have no idea how many!) it became a hangout time in which we laughed about the kids and told stories, both "sides" talking like we were out having lunch, not there to hear the judge's current decision on the kids we daily worry about, and pray, and hope for.  It has felt kind of like a family, or at least a social group...with the foster parents of Silas' siblings, his birth parents, and birth grandparents.  We saw each other often.  Not just at court, but when the foster moms came to pick the kids up from weekly visits.  And now I don't know.  We exchanged contact information, and I am thankful.

It seems weird, almost unnatural, that's it's over.  At the kids' last visit with their birth mother, I was walking Silas up the sidewalk to the agency.  He was holding my hand, almost running toward the door because it is a fun place for him.  It's where he sees his birth family, and runs and plays and laughs with them.  Going there every week for his entire life is what he knows.  Will he wonder why he's not going back?  To him, it is totally normal to go down that long hallway and spend two hours playing in a room, with toys we don't have at our house, and siblings that don't live at our house.  It's his normal!

We will have scheduled sibling visits two times a month until adoption. (We want to have them at our homes, so the kids can see where each other live.)  After that, it's up to us to get the kids together, with no accountability besides ourselves.  I hope we do it.  Life gets so busy, but it is so important for the kids.  I love watching them play together.  They have an obvious bond.

Well, I intended to just post that picture and write a couple sentences, but I guess my heart and soul had more to say.  I never thought that I would need healing through this, that I wouldn't want this process to end.  I mean, I do want to adopt him, I long for the freedom in adoption.  But I never really understood how I'd feel at this point.  Kind of raw.  I always knew I cared about Silas' birth parents, but now I think it is hitting me hard that no one is controlling how often we'll see each other.  Or even if we will.  That feels so odd, after months and months of rules and regulations.  I don't remember anyone training us how to handle this emotional part of the journey.