This is the hardest post I have written. I have thought about it
for weeks, and worked on it for days. It has brought out a lot of emotions and
refreshed some sadness. You would think it would be easy because I am
sharing good news. However. I am extremely aware of how my good news can be
extremely painful for someone else.
We are pregnant! It is truly a miracle. Every pregnancy
and birth is a miracle. It is incredible how God designed our bodies and how he
develops tiny beings before their mothers even know they are there. I find
myself often saying, "it's a miracle" for more than one reason. For
me it is a miracle of miracles because we have traveled the long
painful road of infertility, one a person cannot possibly begin to grasp
unless they have lived it. I have gone through many different types of pain and
loss in my short 30 years but the pain of infertility is very different. The
sadness cuts deep and makes you feel like you are not "whole" because
your body is struggling to do what is natural for the majority of women. It can throw you
into a whirlwind of emotions just by seeing a pregnant woman at a restaurant,
or hearing someone complain about their kids, or worse yet, complain about
being pregnant when you would give anything for your body to be capable of
being pregnant. I will be honest. I have been very jealous of people
who get pregnant soon after trying. No surgeries, no series of ultrasounds to
find out what is wrong, no medications three times a day to help with
endometriosis or polycystic ovaries, no data keeping and trying to figure out
if their body ovulates.
If you are someone who simply "stops preventing" and
lets it happen when it happens, you are truly blessed. I am not upset with you,
I want to make that clear. God has blessed you with fertility, and no doubt you
have other struggles in life. But if you are like me, and it takes months
or years and much physical and emotional pain to get pregnant...well
then, I understand. And I am already praying for you. Please feel free to talk
with me anytime, for my heart aches for you. I know this post may bring
you pain, but my prayer is that it can also bring you hope. God's timing is
perfect and he will NEVER leave us or forsake us. He won't. He is with us
through the pain and it can bring us closer to him. I thought God was teaching
me to hope but I have learned the bigger lesson is that he wants me to trust
him. With everything, not just pregnancy. Everything. Every day. All day.
I praise him for this growing baby, and for bringing me
closer to himself. I need that closeness with my savior.
If you are interested in seeing more of my heart concerning
infertility click on this link - How to Bless Your Friends Going Through Infertility, or this one, by my good friend Jessi, titled What Not to Say. Both blogs share practical ways of how we can all be
sensitive with our words and actions, because sometimes we just don’t know what
can be hurtful. I think they are definitely worthwhile reads.
If you would, please pray for me. I have experienced some of the
reasons that I am labeled with "high risk pregnancy." It has been
scary but totally worth it. I am trusting that God will develop and grow this
baby until it can join us and live on its own. For as I am learning, the
best way to live is to trust. Worry does not help anything. My soul is so much
more peaceful when I am trusting. The verse I have been thinking about every
time I start to get upset is this: a heart at peace gives life to the body.
Proverbs 14:30.
So.
I feel like that is the touchiest thing I have ever posted. I hope
it doesn't hurt anyone. I just want to paint a picture for you. I
am doing this, not just for myself, but for the many women around us who are
quietly dealing with infertility. Let's be aware, and let's be
gentle.
Now a couple fun things…
If you want to read the poem Micah and I wrote to share our surprise with
our parents and siblings, click here. We
told them at week 8, and this Sunday I will be 14 weeks.
Here is some other BIG news. Our
caseworker just told me yesterday that Silas’ adoption paperwork has not only
made it to the state, it is on a reviewer’s desk. On their desk, people! We are so close. His adoption should be FINAL in only a few
weeks!
Thanks for reading.
Sara
