My little prince

I was on the hunt for a plain little blow-up pool, and couldn't find one.  They were either plastic, or too big, or too girly.  But then today, I found this!

 This is how you exclaim your joy about having such a great castle pool!

 This is how you roll a ball down the side of your cool castle pool.

And this...

... is how you escape the castle!

Last summer I was extremely aware of how attached I was getting to this little guy, and scared of the very real possibility that he would be leaving.  I thought about the next court date all the time, wondering what it would bring.  Lately my emotions have been calmer, I haven't been afraid that he will leave.  I know he will stay.  I know we will get to raise him.  It's not over yet, but I just know.


But I'm not that happy.  It is bittersweet.  This really is a sad thing.  I am so relieved and thankful that this little buzzing bundle of smiles will be my son.  We will be his forever family.  But I can't just be joyful because in the same second I am sad for his birth family.  She is losing her son.  I can imagine, to some degree, because I have worried on a very regular basis that I might lose him.  But this is different.  She is losing three children, to three different homes.  We want to keep the kids in contact with each other, but it's not the same as living together.  The family is broken, and as we've been talking about in our adoption class, the results will always be there.  The kids will experience loss at different times in their life, mourn their birth family, find healing, and then maybe experience the whole cycle again later in their life.  It's the reality with adoption, and it is okay.  But it isn't easy.


I want to be the best mom that I can for D.  I want to help him through all of the struggles he will face, but also give him independence when he needs to work through them on his own.  Balance.


I am glad that I have seen his birth mom almost every week for the last year.  I can tell him how much she loved him, how she regularly came to visits, how she brought him snacks, and even got gifts she specifically knew he would like.  I'm glad I will be able to tell him, and show him pictures of them that I took after a couple different visits.  But he will still have questions.  And she'll probably think about him every day.


If you talk to me, happy about the upcoming termination trial, and I'm not excited, or smiling like you are, this is why.  My heart is aching for her, and I can't find pleasure in something that will bring her pain.  I know it is the right choice, and I know that God chose me and Micah to raise him.  The day of his adoption will be different.  It will have great cause to celebrate.  But termination is no celebration in my mind.


I am praying for redemption.  I don't know what form it will take, but I do know that every night before bed, D and I pray for several people, including his birth parents and siblings.  We pray that his family would gain wisdom, make good choices, and ultimately be drawn to Jesus.


That's what we want.